Kia Goes Clover

The acronym pretty much says it all. B.R.A.K.E.S.

Go slow, young man!

Slow is the only way to go. Velocity, quickness of reaction. Taking action. These are the enemies of safety.

And safety is, of course, the guiding light of our declining age.

The pansified acronym is shorthand for Be Responsible and Keep Everyone Safe.

Has the taste of vomit entered your mouth yet?

Kia — of all things, a car company! — has “partnered” (right up there with “community” and “learn more” in terms of retch-worthy triggers) with this B.R.A.K.E.S. outfit to sour the youth on driving by exhorting them that even the lightest pressure on the accelerator is muey evil while perpetually riding (and applying) the brakes is the sine qua non of “good” driving.

“Kia is committed to continuing to support B.R.A.K.E.S.’ efforts to reduce teen traffic fatalities through hands-on defensive driving instruction,” says Kia marketing honcho Tim Chaney.

Defensive driving. AKA, passivity and learned helplessness, centered on the prime directive: Obey the Law.

Especially speed limit laws, which are the equivalent of Winston in Orwell’s novel, 1984, being conditioned to believe that 2 + 2 = 5. It’s obvious bull, but no one dares so openly. One must say the opposite — and in a double-thinkian way, really believe it, too. I see five fingers! I really do!

So begins the corruption of the youth.

They are not taught that it is safer to pass quickly — even if it means “speeding.” Rather they are taught not to pass at all.

Acceleration is evil, remember.

The Conga line is much more safe.

Do you suppose the kids are taught the merit of yielding to faster-moving traffic? That’s a law safely ignored.

Just slow down. It is always good to slow down. The slower, the better. Remember — speed kills!

A Clover is born.

No wonder the youth are turning to gadgets, staying indoors and jerking off to Internet porn.

Kids are giving up on cars in record numbers (and percentages). The reason why is obvious: Cars have become No Fun. Where is the adventure? The freedom? The things that appeal to normal young people? Driving is becoming much like being married to a bitter, frigid menopausal Cat Lady when you yourself are still 22.

Today’s teens are lectured and hectored, controlled and constrained. Cars are dangerous! Buckle up! Geo-fencing, parental monitoring; the water-torture of endlessly “graduated” licenses. I have told a few of them about a dreamy world — the one I grew up in — where most kids began driving at 15 and were fully licensed the day they turned 16. Free as any adult to go where they liked, when they liked and — most of all — how they liked.

Yes, Kinder, it’s true… there were no buckle-up for safety laws, back then. Or black boxes or parental controls either. Car companies made their pitch to youth on the basis of speed and style and sex — the things normal youth appreciates. I weep for you…

Once upon a time, a print ad for the Pontiac GTO showed a couple of young guys cruising Woodward Avenue in their new Judge. The ad copy read: You Know the Rest of the Story.

Indeed we did.

Such an affront is today as inconceivable as smoking at work — or in a bar, for that matter.

The “training” of today’s youth (ala B.R.A.K.E.S) consists of inducting them into the Safety Cult as newbie acolytes, prospect Clovers. They are being prepared — conditioned — for the future world (almost here) of automated/self-driving cars. That is, for cars driven by uber Clovers (like the uber Morlocks in H.G. Wells’ novel, The Time Machine) who will make sure everyone gets where they are going safely.

That is, very slowly.


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